If Mom Won't Go Out, Bring The World to Her

Ronald E. Roel

The problem: My mother just turned 80 and lives alone. She used to enjoy going to the senior center and participating in other social activities. But over the past year she's lost interest and become withdrawn. She was recently diagnosed with mild dementia and depression. I'm considering assisted living, but I know she doesn't want to move. How do I know if, and when, that's the right decision?

The expert: Robin Marks, assisted living executive, Westbury.

The strategy: Loneliness and isolation set the stage for depression. Furthermore, lack of stimulation can contribute to cognitive decline. Since your mom has minimal contact with the outside world, it's time to consider bringing the world to her.

How it works: Start by reviewing mom's financial situation. Some assisted living facilities offer the Medicaid-funded Assisted Living Program, or ALP, for those who qualify. Next, visit several assisted living communities; become familiar with each environment and observe the residents. Find out about the supportive care, residential services and activities offered. Be sure to get feedback from assisted living representatives. It will soon become clear if your mother would benefit from this lifestyle and which communities might be most appropriate for her needs. Narrow the selection to two or three. Then, bring your mom for a tour of these places. Many people in your mother's generation fear they're being "put away" and forgotten. Once your mother has a firsthand visit, the differences between various options will become apparent. The Empire State Association of Assisted Living, a trade group, is a good resource (ny-assisted-living.org). Also, the New York State Department of Health can provide more information about Medicaid-funded ALP alternatives.

The results: Your mother's cognitive impairment may be preventing her from accurately assessing her own needs. There was a time when you relied on her judgment to make decisions; now she needs to trust yours. Resistance to change is human nature, even when it's a change for the better. It takes time - so allow six to eight weeks for your mom to get comfortable to any new situation.